Salmonella in the Tomatoes? Err.

Subway are currently selling footlongs for five dollars. I can recommend the Spicy Italian, it's gorgeous. Today, however, tomatoes were off the menu. A spicy italian without tomatoes ?!?! What's the point? You'll be pleased to hear they gave me extra olives instead and it was still delicious although a little less red. A close cross-examination of the staff about the sign that said something like "The FDA have warned people against eating raw uncooked tomatoes (as opposed to raw cooked tomatoes) so we've voluntarily taken them off the menu." revealed nothing.

Subway aren't the only ones, many other fast food chains have taken a similar cause of action. They have taken this action because of a Salmonella outbreak. And there's me thinking it was a bacteria that needed the kind of environment most often found in digestive systems to survive. As I've said before, I'm no botanist, and before we use words like Genetically modified, I'd like to suggest we raise the Terrorist Colour Code to Yellow.

It's a matter of hours before those bloody foreigners are blamed. Does anyone know if the U.S imports tomatoes from Iran? If so, hold your breath, that'll be identified as the source and the mere mention of tomato ketchup in a telephone conversation with your loved ones will result in the FBI knowing you prefer to be called Doreen at the weekends.

My advice, stock up on tomatoes now, they'll be cheaper than gas and everyone loves tomato soup.

Welcome to Minnesota.

The first object of any interest should you cross into Minnesota from South Dakota on Highway 34 is the Pipestone National Monument. It was "...established by Congress in 1937 to protect the historic pipestone quarries ... considered sacred by many American Indians."
It's relatively interesting on a purely geoligical level, given the uniqueness of the stone, but the fact that it's the place from where all Indian peace pipe raw materials are quarried raises it to an entirely different level.
There is much else of interest to commend the park to you and so I do. However, the main thrust of this blog is to discuss the interesting entry fees. An individual is allowed into the park for US$3 which is perfectly reasonable. One man and his bike and an hour of semi-spiritual wandering for the price of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. It's a bargain. Should you arrive in a people carrier with 5 adults and 2 children immediately after one man and his bike, all of you will be allowed in for US$5. Errr.
To elaborate, should you have chosen as a group, to have a spot of lunch in Historic Downtown Pipestone and strolled to the monument, you would have had to pay US$15 but because you drove, it's a fiver. I checked, the US$5 fee is the entrance fee for the car and anyone in it. If you don't come by car, it's US$3 each.
Petrol over here is at an all time high, at around US$4 per gallon. Not a lot compared to European rates but, as I said, an all-time high in the U.S.. Car drivers, therefore, have quite enough expense on their plates and I'm not here to demand that they should pay through the nose to enter U.S. National Parks. What I'm not sure I understand is why those that choose to arrive by a mode of transport that doesn't have a combustion engine and four wheels are essentially subsidising those that do. I wish I'd asked what a couple arriving on a Motorcycle would've paid. Up to now, the entry fees into U.S. National Parks for one man and his bike have been reasonable when compared to carloads. For example, there's no entry fee into Mount Rushmore National Park although there is a parking fee.
Just so you understand, this isn't a Family fee. If it were, I wouldn't be whinging. This is a carload of anybody. A Rugby team, a Frat house, a Bucks party.
How on earth did anyone arrive at this tariff. According to those responsible for charging it, "..I don't know but now you mention it..I guess we just don't get many that don't come by car". Further interrogation was futile, although immensely good fun. Anyway yours truly has been known to refuse to enter 'Tourist Attraction' when they've taken the piss with entrance fees before. Despite levels of lividity not experienced since that waitress in Portland helped herself to the tip, Pipestone was enjoyed immensely. Have a look at the soothing waterfall pictured.
Now, to all of you car drivers out there, this isn't personal. To those of you responsible for setting the fees at Pipestone National Monument, please take this as personal as you, you retards. What on earth do you think you're doing. For a start, it's a geological site which means that you want to keep anything that's capable of damaging it as far away as possible. That means encouraging people to turn up not surrounded by a couple of tons of steel and variable momentum. In addition, the spiritual nature demands the kind of respect usually afforded by silence, not revving engines and the slamming of doors. Furthermore, you cretins, as the National Park Service, you should be aware that the 'Park' referred to in your name is the type of park that usually discourages cars i.e. trees, grass, children, not the type of park referred to in such phrases as 'Car park'.
Oh, and there is one other thing, you buffoons, how much are you going to charge one person who turns up in car? Well?

South Dakota - Where every day's a Sunday

As I stare out the window at Pierre, South Dakota's State Capital. A general comfortable numbness rears it's head. South Dakota has been good to me. Apart from the Black Hills, it's fairly flat and although the weather has been variable. It's been predictably variable.The thunderstorms begin between 5 and 7 pm and take place over whichever town you happen to be staying in. The most interesting consequence is finding new rivers. To date, I've discovered and named 3, the Rivers Dobbo, Ash and Stretch.

The trouble with South Dakota, I think, is that nothing much seems to happen. Only today in Hayes, which according to Wikipedia, has been assigned a Zip Code, a shop bearing an open sign was visited. Behind the counter was a man on a telephone, conducting a conversation with somewhere further away than the shop's only customer of the day. Exactly seven minutes later, the customer left the shop empty handed. There is no reason whatsoever for anyone to visit that shop if they had not just spent 2.75 hours battling a vicious crosswind for 22 miles.

I suspect the shop is visited no more than ten times a year. This is South Dakota in a nutshell.

It encompasses over 77,000 square miles and it manages to squeeze in 781,919 people. You will rarely see any of them. Even on a Friday afternoon, I'm in the Capital remember, a late afternoon walk may result in a chance encounter with another human, but it's unlikely. The Capitol building is open to the public so in I went and strolled around for 20 odd minutes. It's a lovely building and I know that neither politicians nor their acolytes can't be expected to work on Friday Afternoons but did I see anyone. Did I fuck!

That was a bit unnecessary wasn't it? I hear you cry. Not a bit of it. This is simply impossible to describe, excluding the traffic, there is nobody about. The shops will have a dozen cars parked outside so in you go hoping to have a conversation with another sentient being. Are there any in there? Nope, only the tellers. I said sentient, remember.

Don't get me wrong, as I said earlier, South Dakota's been good to me and it is a lovely place. The Black Hills, although Green (I know), are decidedly delicious to the eye and the monuments to Crazy Horse and the Presidents are truly monumental. The River Missouri flows majestically down through the middle of the State and the Capital, adding to the beauty as only rivers can.

And yet, and yet, there's no-one here.

Hello! Hello! Hello! Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?

Deadliest Catch, Ax Men and Black Gold

Firstly, here's a picture of the Black Hills of South Dakota. Green, aren't they?

The Discovery Channel, which is nothing to do with the Discovery Institute, is a television programme producer and procurer dedicated to educating the world about such diverse subjects as marine biology, geology and botany. It was also, until recently, the proud sponsor of a cycling team that helped Lance Armstrong help himself to a hatful of Tour De France yellow jerseys.

This channel's reliance on factual documentaries has ensured it's continued participation near the top of my TV channel Top Ten.

However, a disturbing trend appears to be flexing itself. The Discovery Channel is foisting on it's viewers a number of television programmes which rely on a group of men going about their daily business. The first problem is that it's dangerously close to reality television, which as a phenomenon is well past it's sell by date. Secondly, I don't want to watch a bunch of blokes burping and scratching their arses. If that isn't bad enough, men as a rule just aren't pretty. Even when thy're not picking their nose.

Despite all this, there is really quite a big problem with the Discovery Channel focussing on a trio of occupations which, however honourable they are, all contribute to the continued destruction of the planet's national resources most related to the human contribution to the Earth's history, global warming, or if you want to butter it up into an 'easier on the conscience - less likely to kill me' phrase, climate change.

Fact number 1 - Chopping down a tree reduces that tree's ability to suck up Carbon Dioxide, a prime contributor to global warming.

Fact number 2 - Drilling oil means that more climate changing particulates will be chucked up into the air, thereby hastening doomsday.

Fact number 3 - Fish have feelings too. Plus they haven't recovered yet, especially in the Black Sea. (I know that Deadliest Catch is set in the North Pacific but that's not the point).

What are we to make of the Discovery Channel's choices of occupations to focus on? We are to make our minds up not to watch it.

Frankly, I'm beginning to think that the Discovery Channel is related to the Discovery Institute. As they smugly think that the world is going to end anyway and, as they're first in line at the gates because they're Christians, (the only true religion, obviously) hastening Armageddon by glorifying those occupations most likely to cause it, is a good thing, right.

Here endeth the lesson.

Presidential primaries and nuclear nincompoopery.

Firstly, I'd like to point out that 'nincompoopery' is a great word. Secondly, whilst the World slept, the Presidential Primary season came to an end in South Dakota. Frankly, everyone was getting a little bored with the whole process so it was about time. Apparently, because Hillary hasn't actually conceded yet, the nation's journalists are getting themselves into a tizz. Some, I've no doubt, are imagining closed off corridors and Hillary and Barack, alone and unassisted, discussing where to take things from here over a nice cigar.

Anyway, Nora will be pleased to find out that White men are more sexist then racist. Stick that in your powder box and smoke it.

For the record, next year either Barack Obama or John McCain will be the most powerful man in the world. Time will tell whether that's a good thing. However, I'm going to stick my neck out and say that it'll certainly be a better thing than currently.

Having visited the United States on a number of occasions and encountered a highly educated, civil, generous, polite and gregarious population each time. The mind boggled when they elected Dubya to be their president, not once but twice. Some will vehemently argue that it only happened once but, the citizens of the world have had to put up with him for eight years. Those citizens, who haven't visited the U.S., will be convinced that U.S. citizens, without exception, are entirely mad.

So, here's the question, where are all the nutters who tuck their guns into their waistband and take them to church ready to slay the emissaries of the devil (they're the ones studying elementary Biology) at the first sign of the rapture - raining frogs? These lunatics, for that's what they are, are perfectly happy to pay taxes in order to subsidise the already impossibly rich supporters of Republican Presidents (of recent vintage anyway) because it s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle etc. As a side issue, while we're talking taxes, the British Empire's death knell was indubitably the Second World War where we put ourselves in hock to the United States to continue fighting the Boche. So here's a quick question to all my American readers out there, two at the last count, who owns your debt? Whose money is making your current wars possible ?

At the last count America's National debt is US$9.5 trillion. I don't know how much money that is but it sounds like a lot. 25% is owned by foreign governments via their central banks, predominately China and Japan. Now as soon as you start looking at U.S. economic numbers, the mind does start to boggle. Suffice to say that the current debt probably isn't critical yet. Even though interest payments run at US$318 billion, which is approximately 15% of tax revenues, the U.S. government does maintain reserves of over US$400 billion.

Wait a minute, did I say reserves are held in billions and China is holding US$1 trillion of debt instruments. Oh shit. What happens then, if China finds either Barack or John a little tiresome? For example, let's imagine that the U.S.A.F. accidentally flies Ballistic missile components to Taiwan?

Is the world still sleeping?

I would imagine that China would choose to divest itself of all those dollars. There's not much point propping up a foreign government's military industrial complex if it's got you in it's sights? Now, what would happen if that happened? I don't know and neither does anyone else (not even the Bankers, I asked a couple but they were too busy enjoying lunch), but it probably wouldn't be raining frogs and no-one would be paying any attention to C-SPAN anymore, if they ever were. I know what you're thinking, 'that's OK, the Japs will take up the slack, they'll be only too happy to stick a couple of fingers up at the Chinese.' and you're right. The only trouble here is that the Chinese aren't scared of the Japs anymore and the U.S. might even view a small skirmish between the two as no bad thing. During the U.S. hosted Sino-Japanese peace negotiations, I can just imagine John or Barack taking Wen Jiabao aside and saying, "about our debt old boy, any chance of waiving it?" whilst simultaneously telling Shinzo,"Sorry buddy, we can't do anything until you 've given us our money back."

So while Mr Gates (Robert, not Bill) is sacking, excuse me, asking to resign, a number of the U.S.A.F.'s top civilian and military staff for, amongst other things, accidentally flying Ballistic missile components to Taiwan. Do not be surprised to learn that this turns out to have been deliberate ("if we hadn't done it, North Korea would've got the coin") in a cunning plan to start a conflagration between the U.S. top two creditors.

As I'm running out of time, the nuclear nincompoopery refers to the U.S.A.F. accidentally flying live Nuclear missiles from North Dakota to Louisiana last year in an apparent attempt to stop Louisiana banging on about Katrina, enough already.

Also, here's a picture of the monumental work in progress that is Crazy Horse. A man who learned the hard way America's willingness to break international treaties.

Another day, another deadline.

Today, Custer, South Dakota.
June 21, Toyota Park, Chicago, Illinois.
C'mon, England Saxons.

Double Maths

May 18 7:40:53 Powell -Missoula 57.29 miles
May 20 9:54:52 Missoula - Lincoln 79.18 miles
May 21 5:40:16 Lincoln - Helena 54.99 miles
May 22 6:24:50 Helena - Three Forks 70.28 miles
May 23 2:26:53 Three Forks - Bozeman 29.7 miles
May 25 7:52:2 Bozeman - Mammoth Hot Springs 69.84 miles
May 26 9:10:25 Mammoth Hot Springs - Old Faithful 54.71 miles
May 27 5:46:30 Old Faithful - Lake 38.81 miles
May 28 9:54:20 Lake - Cody 79.69 miles
May 29 5:45:44 Cody -Greybull 57.17 miles
May 31 12:56:33 Greybull - Sheridan 95.29 miles
June 1 12:27:1 Sheridan - Gillette 110.06 miles
June 2 6:58:48 Gillette - Upton 48.58 miles
June 3 7:33:56 Upton - Custer 65.78 miles
June 4 12:19:09 Custer - Wasta 88.62 miles
June 5 4:44:51 Wasta - Philip 44.34 miles
June 6 7:35:05 Philip - Pierre 86.06 miles
June 7 9:42:57 Pierre - Wessington Springs 103.16 miles
June 9 9:53:33 Wessington Springs - Pipestone 118.33 miles